Ohio Smith and the Raiders of the lost Canoe
by Quick Stop Clerk
Summary: You've seen Indiana Jones, now read about his strange relative (his uncle's cousin's brother's roomate's sister's ex-husband's friend's nephew((they're practically blood!))) OHIO SMITH,on his misadventures. (I'm bad at summaries. . .)
1. OHIO SMITH and the OREGANO?

OHIO SMITH and the RAIDERS OF THE LOST CANOE  
  
Disclaimer: I'm not really sure what I own and what I don't own, I mean, the characters have different names and junk, and the plots a little different. . . Oh well, you'll know if I don't own it, and If I don't, I'm using it without permission. . . But If I do own it, then, I own it. . .   
  
SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA 1937  
  
A group of men walk through the forest. They are porters, Carter, George, and Perry. Leading them is OHIO SMITH. He wore a long, black duster, and a brimmed hat with an ace of spades stuck in the band. The others are loaded down with large packs. A scrawny Englishman follows them.  
  
"Well, I say, Ohio, where are we going?" He wore a gray suit and a gray brimmed hat, a tea-cup and saucer in his hand. His name is Toby Winthrop.  
  
"Hell if I know."  
  
"But, uh. . . Mr. Ohi, ummm, aren't you the leader?" The porter, Carter, scratched his head, as he adjusted his backpack full of toothpicks.  
  
"Hell if I know."  
  
"Well, alright, then," Toby took a sip of his tea. "Where are we, Ohio?"  
  
Ohio turns to Toby. "No, dummass! We're way the hell out in South America!"  
  
Toby gave Ohi a confused look. "No, I meant, 'Where are we, Mr. Smith?'"  
  
"DAMN you're redundant!"  
  
Toby threw his teacup on the ground. "I just want to know where we are. Damn it, OHIO!"  
  
Ohio turned to Toby. "What the hell have you got against Ohio?"  
  
Toby groans.  
  
"Umm, Mr. Ohi?" Carter, George, and Perry, raised their hands.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Ummm. . . Why am I carrying toothpicks?" Carter asked.  
  
"And why am I carrying Mars bars?" asked Perry.  
  
"And why do I have a pack full of Oregano?" asked George.  
  
"Oregano?" Toby asked picking his tea-cup off of the ground. He saw something moving in the bushes,and ran over to check it out.  
  
"YOU GOT THE WRONG BAG!" Ohio screamed.  
  
Toby came running up behind them.  
  
"WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY DRUG LORDS!"  
  
"Ah, don't worry about them, they're harmless," Ohi walks ahead of the rest of them. "C'mon you guys! If we're going to get to the stupid-looking-gold-plated-monkey-looking-valuable-statue-thing, then we have to keep going!"  
  
Toby stayed behind, protesting; "But Ohi! The drug lords!"  
  
"I told you, they're harmless! Just don't let them bother you. Oh, and George, be careful, I think they're after you're 'Oregano'."  
  
"But I thought they were 'harmless'."  
  
Ohio just ignored him, and waved them on, whistling happily.  
  
Toby walked along behind them all, jumping at so much as a twig being snapped by his feet. The blood-shot eyes of a thousand drug lords could be seen staring out at Toby.  
  
"Eeep! *gulp* SAY! OHIO! WAIT FOR ME!"  
  
"'Ohio, Wait for me," the porters shouted in unison.  
  
" NOT funny!" Toby hurried to catch up with them.  
  
A/N: Well, the first chapter isn't all that great, but oh well, Read and Review, please. 


	2. Perry and Carter: THE MUSICAL!

DISCLAIMER: SEE FIRST CHAPTER.  
  
  
OHIO SMITH and the RAIDERS of the LOST CANOE  
  
Still SOME WHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA 1937  
  
After a long, seven hour trek, we find our Heroes at the shrine of Mumbo Jumbo, where the goofy-looking-gold-monkey-statue-thing-with-an-incredibly-long-name, resides.  
  
Toby pulled at Ohio's duster. "Ohi! I'm frightened!"  
  
Ohio ignored him, and looked around at the shrine, examining it closely, probably looking for booby-traps.  
Meanwhile, the porters sat on the ground, resting. Perry, and Carter played tic-tac-toe in the dirt, drawing with Carter's toothpicks. George sat, alone, knees pulled up to his chest, rocking back and forth.  
  
"The drug lords are out to get me, the drug lords are out to get me, the drug lords are out to get me. . ."  
  
"George, SHUT UP!" Perry, and Carter yelled at him in Unison, Perry throwing a couple Mars Bars at him.  
  
"Yes, by all means, shut him up!" shouted Toby, from the opening of the Shrine.  
  
"Okay!" The porters ran over to George, who was still babbling incessantly. "You know, George, that if you don't shut up. . . We'll sic man-eating-hippopotamuses after you!"   
  
George kept babbling.  
  
"Uh, okay. . . Ummm. . . I got one! If you don't shut up, we'll shove a. . . Mars Bar up your ass! Yeah! Mars Bars!" Perry exclaimed.   
"Don't do that. . ." Carter whispered to Perry. "He might like it."  
"Eeeeew. Well, then what can we do?"  
"I know. . ." Carter turned back to George. "If you don't shut up, we'll have Erik PUNJAB YOU! WAAA!" Carter jump forward, hands outstretched, as if to choke him.  
  
George kept babbling.  
  
"Oooooh! I got one!" Perry turned to his friend. "What if we start singing and dancing? Will he shut up, then?"  
"Probably not, but what the hell. . ."  
  
  
Carter and Perry's song and Dance number!  
  
*Music plays from out of nowhere*  
  
Perry: dah,dah,dah,dah,dah,dah! Dum!  
  
Carter: Geeeeorge!  
  
Perry: is such a creep!  
  
Carter: Geeeeorge!  
  
Perry: don't say a peep!  
  
Carter: Ooooorrrr,  
  
Perry: we'll kill you in your sleep!  
  
Carter: Dum,dum,dum,dum!  
  
Perry: That's right, just shut your trap!  
  
Carter: Or we'll bust a cap,  
  
Perry: In your ass! (whispers to carter: 'Dude, that didn't work too well. . .')  
  
Carter: (to Perry: 'so what. . .')  
  
*Perry shrugged, and started to dance around, clumsily, knocking over Carter, Toby, and DUN,DUN,DUN! OHI!*  
  
Perry stopped dancing as the music stopped, and the sound of a needle scratching across a record was heard.   
  
"Ahem, boys?" Ohio called sweetly.  
  
"Uh, yeah?" all three of them stood up, each one trying to hide behind the other, until finally, carter was shoved to the front, and used as a shield by the other two.  
  
"Get into the SHRINE! NOW!"  
  
"But. . .but. . . We haven't checked it for booby-traps yet!"  
  
Ohio laughed menacingly, "So?"  
  
The Porters looked at each other.  
  
"GET IN THERE!" Ohio pointed to the opening, which was covered with spider webs.  
  
The porters, reluctantly, ushered themselves into the shrine, followed by Toby, and Ohi.  
  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . . MAYBE.  
  
A/N: Ha! This one wasn't as funny, but I'm lacking the sugar rush I had, when I came up with this Idea, so. . . Yeah. Oh yeah, I don't Own Erik the Phantom, or his Punjab Lasso. Those belong to Gaston LeRoux.  
R/R please! 


	3. Jimmy Hoffa?

DISCLAIMER: See first Chapter. . . Also, If I don't own It, I'll tell you in Author's notes J   
  
STILL SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA 1937: Shrine of MUMBO JUMBO  
  
When we last heard from our heroes. . . The porters, using Carter as a Shield, we're forced to enter the Shrine ahead of the others.  
  
"Mr. Ohi, I have a question. . ." Toby pulled at Ohi's duster again.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well, If this is the Shrine of Mumbo Jumbo, then why isn't the Stupid-looking-gold-plated-but-not-real-gold-monkey-statue-thing, called Mumbo Jumbo, instead of the ridiculously long name it has now?"  
  
"Well, that's easy!" Ohio scratched his head. "Um, it isn't called the Mumbo Jumbo shrine after the Monkey-thing, but after the guy that built it. And later, the Monkey-statue-gold-platie-thing, was put there," Ohio finished.   
  
"Are you sure?" asked Toby, uncertainly.  
  
"Uh, no. . . I mean, yes. Yes, I am sure."  
  
Toby smiled. "Alright, then! Let's press on shall we?" Toby ran ahead of Ohio.  
  
"Gullible thing, isn't he?" Ohio thought. "Maybe that's a good thing," Ohio Shrugged, and continued walking through the dark, cob-web littered hallway.  
  
  
.  
  
  
MEANWHILE:  
  
The three porters walked cautiously through the dark tunnel, Perry, and George playing 'tag along' with Carter taking up the lead.  
  
"Carter," George whined. "are we there yet?"  
  
"I don't think so, no."  
  
"Carter," Perry groaned. "I'm thirsty!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"Caaaarrrrtttteeeeerrrr," George again. "I gotta go to the bathroom!"   
Suddenly, all three of them stopped in their tracks.  
  
"Hey, lookie here!" Carter ran up to the large casket and looked for a way to open it, handing his torch to Perry. Perry ran up to a sign next to the make-shift graveyard, and read it out loud.  
  
"HERE LIES JIMMY HOFFA. . . Jimmy Hoffa? Who the hell is Jimmy Hoffa?" (A/N: I know its 1937, and that the Jimmy Hoffa thing hasn't happened yet, but isn't it funny?)  
  
George shrugged. "A Kirby-Vacuum Salesman?"   
  
"What the hell is a Kirby-Vacuum?" Carter asked, trotting back over to the group. (A/N: Sorry, No Kirby vacuums either. . . )  
  
"I uh. . .dunno"   
  
The porters continued their exhausting trip down the tunnel when all of a sudden. . .   
  
"TURN BACK, WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME!"  
  
"Gah!" all three of them shouted at once. "Who's there?"  
  
'TURN BACK NOW, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"  
  
George shined his light toward the voices, but saw nothing but rocks.  
  
"TURN BACK, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" The rocks seemed to speak!  
  
"Who is it?" Perry and Carter asked in unison.  
  
George shrugged, "Just talking rah. . . Rah. . . Rah. . ."  
  
"C'mon, George! This isn't a Pep Rally, spit it out!"  
  
"Rah. . . Rah. . . ROCKS!"  
  
"Talking rocks?" Carter hit him upside the head. "That's absurd!"  
  
"No, I swear, they did talk!"  
  
"Don't hit the poor boy! We do talk! I swear!" It was the voices again.  
All three of them turned to see faces on the rocks, and the rocks were. . . Talking?  
  
"You swear?" The three were *very* confused.  
  
"Yeah, DAMMIT! See? We Swear!"  
  
  
A/N: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The rocks aren't mine. . .   
I'm trying to drag a little of the Labyrinth in with the story. . . so the talking rocks   
from the Labyrinth are Jim Henson's. Well, Sorry to leave yah hangin. . . but please r/r   
I'll continue it later. . . *Love and Kissez* -Valerie 


	4. The Porters and the Rift in Time . . .

OHIO SMITH and the Raiders of the Lost Canoe  
  
Ahhh, back to our heroes again, eh? Well, last we saw them, they were in the shrine of Mumbo Jumbo, and some giant rocks were talking to them . . . .   
  
YET AGAIN, SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA: Shrine of Mumbo Jumbo.  
  
"AHHH! TALKING ROCKS!" The porters screamed.   
"AHHHH! TALKING PEOPLE!" The rocks screamed.  
"AHHH! WHAT ARE WE SCREAMING ABOUT?" Asked a strange voice.  
  
All three porters, and all eight rocks, turned to face the owner of the strange voice.   
It was a man. (Yes, a man. How frightening.) Anyway, It was a man. And where, on a human, his right hand would be, he had a chainsaw. Yes, sports fans, a chainsaw. His chin was a bit large, but boy! Was that man handsome!  
  
"Huh, huh, who are you?" George asked, frightened.  
The man cleared his throat. "Ahem. I'm Ash, House wares," He struck a noble pose, and then looked at the eleven of them, to see if it had any effect.  
"I don't know where I am. . . . Last thing I remember, I was in a Cabin, in Tennessee. A rift in time, and space opened, I was sucked in, and Dropped off here," He waved at everything around him with the chainsaw.  
  
"Oooohh," the porters sighed in awe.   
  
"Well, Mr. Housewares, let me be the first depression-stricken porter to welcome you to South America!" Perry said, sticking out his right hand in a shake. Ash just stared at him.  
"Riiigghhhtt," He put his left hand on his hip. "So, How do I get out of this dump?"  
  
"Uhhhhhhhhh . . ." Carter scratched his head. "Maybe you could ask the rocks?"  
  
"Yes, ask us! Ask Us!!" The rocks all cried at once.   
  
"Okay," Ash faced the Rocks. "How do I get out of here?"  
  
"How would we know? We're just rocks! Ask someone else, dimwit!"  
  
Ash frowned. "This place is just BRIMMING with hospitality, ain't it?"  
  
George nodded, dumbly. "Sooo," He racked his brain for something Intelligent to say. "I can dance like stripper." He began prancing around the rocks, wiggling his butt. He took off his shirt and threw it behind him.   
  
Ash slapped his forehead. "I'm surrounded by dumb-asses."  
  
"HEY, George!" Carter called. "Look! I have a stick! Go fetch, boy!" He threw a stick, and George chased after it. "Ya just gotta know how to deal with simple-minded people!" He grinned at Perry.  
  
"Yeah!" Perry agreed. "Just gotta know how to deal with Primitives!"  
  
"Primitives, eh?" Ash said, rubbing his chin.  
"Yeah!" Perry nodded.  
"Well, Mr. Housewares, its been great talking to ya, but we hafta keep movin'. We're supposed to find this stupid-looking-gold-plated-but-not-real-gold-monkey-statue-thing-with-an-incredibly-long-name. I hope You find your way out!" Carter waved, and was about to turn to leave when . . .   
  
"Hey, Kid! You mean this?" Ash held out the Stupid-Monkey-Statue to the porters.   
  
"Yeah! THAT'S IT!!" Perry Cried. He took it from Ash and started running toward the mouth of the cave. "I'll give it to OHI, Carter!"  
  
Carter looked at Ash, who stood with his hand in his pocket. "Hey, Mr. Housewares . . ."  
"Yeah?" Ash asked. He had been kicking the dirt, but he looked up at Carter.  
"Is this where the space portal was supposed to take you?" He asked.  
  
"I'm not sure," Ash said Looking around. "But I think that the rift had an effect on this place," He looked around. "Jimmy Hoffa, The rocks . . . Its all stuff from the future."  
  
"Ohhh! I get it now!!" Carter said. George had returned with the stick, and he threw it again. "Ttthheee Fuuutttuuurree!"  
  
Suddenly, a small goblin ran past them. "Did you see a girl, and a TALL monster guy run through here?" It asked.  
  
"Nope, Sorry, kid." The goblin shook his head and continued on.   
  
"How did the rift open, Mr. Housewares?" Carter asked.  
  
"Well, there was this book, and these passages in it, and when they were read, this Evil was let out into the Woods. To break the spell of the Evil, we read more passages, and the rift opened,"   
  
"Maybe the book was sucked here too," Carter said, after a long think. "We can read the pages and open the rift again!"  
  
"Maybe!" Ash said looking around. "Can you help me look?"  
  
"Sure, I guess . . . Mr. Ohi won't miss me . . . I'm just a Porter!"  
  
***MEANWHILE OUTSIDE OF THE CAVE***  
  
"YES! FINALLY! The Monkey Thing is MINE!" Ohio cried, as he exited the cave. "And I didn't have to do A THING! BUWAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Ohi, I'd be careful with that, If I were you!" Toby said, standing at the mouth of the cave. "It has TERRIBLE powers of greed on some people."  
  
"What did you say? YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL MY MONKEY?! Well, You CAN'T HAVE IT! Its MY MONKEY!" He held the statue high in the air, where Toby wouldn't be able to snatch it.  
  
Toby shook his head. Someone Tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped, frightened. "Hello, do you know the way to the Castle?"   
Toby turned to face whoever it was. It was a young girl, about 15, or 16. She had long dark hair, and a giant reddish-brown beast was standing next to her. "The castle?" Toby asked.   
The girl nodded. "May I ask your name, young girl?" Toby asked Politely.   
"Oh! Yes, I'm Sarah, and this is Ludo," She pointed to the beast.   
"Oh, well, Hello Sarah, I'm Toby! And I don't know anything about a Castle . . ."   
"YOU'RE TOBY?" She asked. She scratched her head. "That can't be . . . My brother's only a baby . . . I must have been in here longer than I thought. Well, C'mon Ludo, lets get out of here," And with that, she turned and walked back into the cave, followed by the beast.   
  
"Curious," Toby said, pushing his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose.  
  
  
  
A/N: YAY! Lookie! Aren't you proud! A fourth Chapter in the Ohio Smith Saga! Yay! Okay, So I don't own Indiana Jones, Evil Dead 2, Ashley J. Williams, the S-Mart, or Labyrinth (and all its characters). R/R *smoochez-n-hugz* -Val 


End file.
